Dealing With In-Laws

It's sometimes hard to deal with in-laws. I for one would agree to it since I got my own personal share of stories when I dealt with a supposedly in-law. I knew some do share the same sentiments with me but I hope this article by Jenna Barry helps:

Drawing Boundaries with Difficult In-laws
by: Jenna Barry

Can you relate to the following statement?

"My in-laws call constantly, drop by unexpectedly, criticize the way we raise our kids, and manipulate us with guilt if we don’t do exactly what they think we should. They often put my husband in a position to choose between being a great spouse and an obedient son."

Most experts agree that the best way to handle destructive in-laws is to draw boundaries with them. The question is who should be the one to draw those boundaries? Some say that if the husband’s parents are the problem, then he—rather than his wife—should confront them so they are less likely to get their feelings hurt. Likewise, if the wife’s parents are the problem, then she should deal with them directly. That’s terrific advice in a perfect world. The problem is—yes, you guessed it—we don’t live in a perfect world.

There are few things in life more difficult than being assertive with our own parents, especially if they are controlling and manipulative. In order for your spouse to confront his (or her) parents about their destructive behavior, he must (1) realize their behavior is destructive, and (2) have the courage to confront them about it. Without proper counseling or education, it may be nearly impossible for your partner to realize his parents are controlling, intrusive, and/or manipulative. Why? Because they are his definition of "normal." Even if you are fortunate enough to have a spouse who recognizes that his parents’ behavior is a threat to your marriage, he may not have the courage to confront them.

There are things you can say and do to help your spouse recognize destructive behavior and be courageous enough to draw boundaries with his folks (I cover this in detail in my new book). However, this is not an overnight process. For many years, your partner has learned false beliefs from his parents. For example, he may believe his parents are superior to him when actually he is an adult on an equal level with them. It could take a long time to re-define normal by replacing his faulty thinking with the truth.

So then what should you do while you are waiting for that perfect world in which you are united as a couple to deal with difficult in-laws? Are you doomed to remain in the role of a helpless victim? Should you be silent while your in-laws’ behavior wreaks havoc on your marriage? Certainly not! You can do what is in your power to protect your marriage. In other words, while you are waiting to gain your spouse’s loyalty, you can draw healthy boundaries with his parents.

Here are four important things to remember when drawing boundaries:

1. Treat your in-laws the way you’d want your spouse to treat your own parents. In other words, be respectful, mature and tactful.

2. You can only draw boundaries effectively on issues that affect you. For example, you can control how often you talk to your in-laws on the phone (by screening calls), but you can’t control when your spouse talks to them.

3. In some situations it’s better to gain respect by standing up for yourself rather than expecting your husband to rescue you. For example, if your father-in-law teases you about your weight, you could say, "It’s not okay for you to tease me about my weight."

4. You can’t force your in-laws to change their behavior, but you can change your own behavior. If you start to speak and behave in a different way, then they will likely change their behavior. For example, you can’t force them to stop dropping by unexpectedly, but if you stop answering the door, they probably won’t keep showing up. At first your in-laws will probably be upset by your behavior, but eventually they will learn to expect it, and then you will have re-defined "normal."

While it’s true that you can’t force your partner to draw boundaries with his parents, here’s what you can do:
1. Tactfully help him recognize the difference between healthy and destructive behavior
2. Communicate your feelings and needs to him in a calm, gentle manner
3. Focus on reaching loving compromises

It won’t be easy for your partner to transform from a parent pleaser into a loyal spouse, but I can tell you from personal experience that it is possible. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to draw boundaries with your in-laws. It’s better to speak the truth in love—even if it causes a few hurt feelings—than to stay silent while your marriage suffers.

Jenna D. Barry is the author of "A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents." Find more at www.WifeGuide.org.

Dealing With the Fear of Commitment

Found this article worth reading that's why I reposted it here. Thanks to the author Mr. Scott Haltzman

By Scott Haltzman, Ph.D. for hitchedmag.com
Photo: iStockphoto.com/Chris Schmelke Updated: Nov 11, 2008

Why do I feel that I'm more committed to this relationship than she is? Any thoughts on dealing with emotional distancing? She has some abuse issues from her past that has made her emotionally distant. Can you give me any strategies for this? We both want this marriage to work, but I know it takes two to be on the same page. I am afraid that I am more gung-ho and committed to this than she.

I fondly recall my days as a child, eagerly awaiting the weekly TV appearance of Lee Majors as, "The Six Million Dollar Man." If your memory goes back to these halcyon days, you'll recall that the bionic man was "better, faster, stronger." In my heart of hearts, I knew I'd never be as good, fast or strong as the fictional Steve Austin. But my mother assured me that I was smart. Take that, Majors -- even if you did get to marry Farrah Fawcett.

Commitment Factor #1: Inborn Traits

"The Six Million Dollar Man" wasn't real, but the theme of the show serves as a reminder that we are not all equally endowed with the same qualities. Commitment, like smarts, strength and speed, is a human quality that is not the same in all individuals.

Being able to commit yourself to one person is an outgrowth of many personality traits and lifelong experiences. For instance, some individuals are born with high risk taking traits, and some with more reticence. Some individuals are more outgoing by human nature and some are shy. The more withdrawn personalities often have difficulties establishing close bonds with people, while those with the ability to be open and optimistic toward new experiences find it easier to trust others.

Commitment Factor #2: Life Experiences

Besides inborn personality traits, early life experiences also affect a person's level of commitment. People who grow up in stable households, and who have a secure neighborhood and stable friends, are more able to see commitment to one person as a tangible life choice. Adults who are exposed to early childhood trauma, such as abuse, may have problems feeling safe with others throughout their lives. As a child, of course, we don't have much of a choice about the world that surrounds us, but what happens to us in childhood does have an impact on the capacity to trust and be trusted.

The ability to commit is also based on life events in adulthood. People who have promised their heart to one person, and later find that person has been unfaithful or abusive, will often have a harder time forming a solid bond to their next partner. Also, people tend to shy from committing to partners with a bad track record themselves; if you've been married six times before, or have been involved in past or current substance abuse, spousal abuse or infidelity, than it's reasonable for your mate to hold back on the expectation of a lifetime of mutual love.

Commitment Factor #3: A Series of Processes

Commitment, though, is not a dyed-in-the-wool trait; people's ability to commit depends on many factors besides inborn traits and early life experiences. Commitment is a process. Every suitor knows or can imagine the panic of having a person at the end of a first luncheon date say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you!" It wouldn't be right to feel a lifetime commitment to one person after just one date. If two individuals are involved in an emotional relationship, where each has consistently demonstrated trust and the ability to be trusted over time, then it's natural for commitment to grow. It may take longer for people who are less naturally inclined toward commitment or who have had bad experiences before. It's simply not realistic to expect attachment to grow at the same rate for each partner. That may be why you're feeling more committed to the relationship than your partner -- you and your mate simply haven't arrived at the same place at the same time.

Commitment Questions

You can take the initiative in trying to understand why your mate is lagging behind in commitment by asking some open-ended questions. Find a quiet time to sit and try to understand the factors that contribute to your mate's commitment-shyness. Here are five dating questions to ask:

1. What kind of child were you? Was it easy to form attachments to other people?

2. What are your early experiences with developing trust? As a child, was your trust ever betrayed?

3. Was there a time when you felt committed to a person, and you were hurt because you put your heart on the line?

4. Are there things that I am doing in the relationship that make it hard to put your trust in me?

5. Do you envision a time when you are able to trust me more, and make the kind of commitment that will allow me to trust that we will be together for a lifetime?

As you listen to your mate discuss these issues, try not to judge and don't try to cajole into firming up his or her commitment. The best way to help trust grow over time is to be a concerned listener and a dependable friend. Then, your mate's commitment will grow better, faster and stronger.